#1The Monologue
The Senate confirmed Jay Clayton this week as Director of National Intelligence, by a vote of 51 to 47. Clayton previously served as chairman of the Securities and Exchange Commission, where his job was monitoring suspicious activity in financial markets. He now moves to a position where his job is monitoring suspicious activity inside the intelligence community. The qualifications translate... almost perfectly.
Re: Senate confirms Jay Clayton as director of national intelligence — NPR
United States diplomatic talks with Iran stalled this week after Iran launched ballistic missiles at a U.S. military base in Jordan. Officials on both sides confirmed that negotiations are ongoing. One side is conducting those negotiations verbally. The other side... chose a different medium.
Re: US to Hit Iran Hard, Trump Tells Fox News After Jordan Base Attack — Bloomberg
A Nevada judge ruled Tuesday that a 2008 police recording will be admissible in the upcoming trial of the man accused of killing Tupac Shakur — a crime that occurred in 1996. The trial is set to begin August 10th. The American justice system, once it gets moving... stays in the race.
Re: Judge allows use of police interview in Tupac Shakur murder trial — NPR
A red kangaroo named Roofus escaped his Bloomfield, Missouri property last Friday after being startled by an excavator and was spotted Tuesday by a FedEx driver crossing a state highway — still uncaptured after five days on the run.
Douglas County sheriff's deputies responded to a reported break-in Tuesday and found two bear cubs inside a Roxborough residence, having climbed through an open window and helped themselves to the cat food before wildlife officials escorted them back to the woods.
A Nebraska family has been reunited with their dog Chong, missing since 2021, after he turned up this week at a Loves Truck Stop in Pittsboro, Indiana — roughly 642 miles from home — identified by his microchip.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Adult Man Genuinely Inspired By AI Video Of Lion Wearing Rolex' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/adult-man-genuinely-inspired-by-ai-video-of-lion-wearing-rolex/
'Brad Pitt Drops Last Name In Solidarity With Family' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/brad-pitt-drops-last-name-in-solidarity-with-family/
'Mitch McConnell Honors Late Friend Lindsey Graham With 47-Day Moment Of Silence' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/mitch-mcconnell-honors-late-friend-lindsey-graham-with-47-day-moment-of-silence
'The President of the United States Meets With Trump at the White House' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/breaking/the-president-of-the-united-states-meets-with-trump-at-the-white-house/
Firefighters in Ellesmere, Shropshire, this week broke through a concrete surface to reach a drainage pipe where a hedgehog was trapped, freeing what crew members described as a "wee hedgehog" and handing it over to local wildlife rescuers.
#7The Groaner
Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.
