#1The Monologue
Binance confirmed this week that roughly six point three billion dollars in client assets walked out the door in about twenty minutes, making it the largest crypto theft ever recorded. Which means the decentralized, trustless, unhackable future of money was undone — by somebody with twenty free minutes. Re: Al Jazeera
Apple announced its first touchscreen MacBook Pro this week, ending a sixteen-year company position that touching a laptop screen was fundamentally wrong. Executives explained that the Mac is still primarily a trackpad device, but sometimes touch is just handy — which is also what every single customer said in 2010. Re: CNN
Daylight saving time ends tomorrow morning at two a.m., giving most of the country an extra hour of sleep. Congress has spent years debating whether to make this permanent and has so far accomplished nothing — which, to be fair, is the one thing they can do on schedule. Re: Michigan Public
Researchers at ETH Zurich's Soft Robotics Lab released video of a disembodied five-fingered robot hand that walks on its own fingertips, steers itself, and gets back up after falling over. The team trained it in simulation and compared it, unprompted, to Thing from The Addams Family.
Michael Vander Lugt of Wyoming, Michigan, bought a Powerball ticket for the August eighth drawing and left it in his wallet. He found out it was worth a million dollars only when he came up short paying for a soda and started digging through his old tickets.
Collector Colby Bull strapped himself to the wing of a 1940s Boeing Stearman biplane over Kent, England, went up six hundred feet, and opened seven packs of basketball cards in one minute. Guinness certified it. He did not lose a single card to the one-hundred-twenty-mile-per-hour wind.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
"Rich Family Giving Out King-Sized Mattresses" — The Onion, https://theonion.com/rich-family-giving-out-king-sized-mattresses/
"Fantasy Football Manager Spends Hours Carefully Deciding Who Will Score 45 Points On His Bench This Week" — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/fantasy-football-manager-spends-hours-carefully-deciding-who-will-score-45-points-on-his-bench-this-week
"Man who buried money in a sock in his garden congratulated on having better security than world's largest crypto exchange" — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/10/30/man-who-buried-money-in-a-sock-in-his-garden-congratulated-on-having-better-security-than-worlds-largest-crypto-exchange/
"Glenn Danzig Changes Ways After Being Visited by Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present, and Future" — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/music/punk-hardcore/glenn-danzig-changes-ways-after-being-visited-by-ghosts-of-halloween-past-present-and-future/
Dozens of demonstrators gathered outside Liberty Mutual's Boston headquarters to demand the company retire its "Liberty Biberty" mascot. The protest was organized by a nineteen-year-old whose YouTube video about the mascot drew more than six hundred thousand views.
#7The Groaner
Why don't skeletons ever go trick-or-treating? Because they've got no body to go with.
