#1The Monologue
Elon Musk confirmed this week that he personally ordered the slowdown of Starlink service for Ukraine's military, explaining that the drone strikes violated the platform's terms of service. So somewhere out there is a soldier who scrolled past forty-one screens of legalese, hit "I Agree," and doomed an entire offensive. Re: CBS News
The Milwaukee Brewers now lead the World Series two games to none, their first trip to the Fall Classic in forty-four years. Game One ended on a double play that got overturned on review — which means dozens of Brewers had already walked off the field and had to come back and finish winning. Nothing says championship baseball like a team being told to go put its hat back on. Re: MLB.com
Bank of America projects that global data center spending will more than double to two point one trillion dollars by 2028. Analysts note that about a trillion and a half of that still has no identified funding source — which, in finance, is called a gap... and in every other industry is called a problem. Re: Reuters
Two brown pelicans named Joey and Felicity caught a gust of wind strong enough to lift them out of their hilltop habitat at the Pittsburgh Zoo and Aquarium — clipped wings and all — and spent an afternoon on the Allegheny River. Recapture required boats from river rescue, the National Aviary, and the Army Corps of Engineers.
Hundreds of spectators gathered in a Hackney park in London to watch two men in full suits of armor charge at each other with lances while riding rented Lime e-bikes. The company issued a statement clarifying that its bikes are for getting around the city, "not for jousting."
The Sengkang Town Council in Singapore has banned pickleball outright on courts located too close to apartment blocks, effective November first, citing the sound frequency of the game. Nine courts survive, with play restricted to between ten in the morning and seven thirty at night.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
"Powerball Adds Essay Section" — The Onion, https://theonion.com/powerball-adds-essay-section/
"Millions Of 12-Foot-Tall Lawn Skeletons Discovered On Dem Voter Rolls" — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/millions-of-12-foot-tall-lawn-skeletons-discovered-on-dem-voter-rolls/
"New podcast set to investigate why there are so many podcasts" — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/10/23/new-podcast-set-to-investigate-why-there-are-so-many-podcasts/
"Bon Iver Reveals 'Skinny Love' About Snapping Into a Slim Jim" — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/music/indie/bon-iver-reveals-skinny-love-about-snapping-into-a-slim-jim/
For the second time in a matter of days, authorities in Santa Cruz, California, were called out to corral a loose emu wandering local streets. Deputies eventually coaxed the six-foot bird off the road using treats, then posed for a photo with it and its owner.
#7The Groaner
I told my suitcase we aren't going on vacation this year. Now I'm dealing with a lot of emotional baggage.
