#1The Monologue
The Milwaukee Brewers won the World Series this week, the first championship in the franchise's history. The city immediately flooded into the streets to celebrate — where, according to reports, a number of residents learned for the first time that a baseball game had occurred. Re: NPR — Brewers beat the Rays to win the first World Series title in franchise history
Anthropic filed to go public this week, disclosing sixteen point three billion dollars in revenue and an eighty point seven billion dollar net loss. Analysts say most of that loss is non-cash and purely an accounting artifact — which is also what I tell my wife about my fantasy football league. Re: TechCrunch — Anthropic officially files for its public debut
Thieves have stolen more than a hundred million dollars in AI data center equipment off American highways since June, using GPS spoofing and hacked freight accounts. So after three years of being told the robots were coming for our jobs — it turns out we're the ones stealing their bodies out of a truck. Re: Quartz — Highway thieves have stolen over $100 million in data center gear
A San Francisco startup called Dimensional posted a listing offering twenty dollars an hour for people to walk Unitree robot dogs around the city for four to six hour shifts, generating training data so the machines can eventually walk themselves. The posting noted that if the robot overheats and stalls mid-route, the walker carries the thirty-three pound dog back to the office by hand.
Dozens of demonstrators gathered outside Liberty Mutual's Boston headquarters to demand the retirement of the company's fuzzy yellow mascot, Liberty Biberty, after a nineteen-year-old YouTuber's joke video drew six hundred thousand views. A lone counter-protester attended dressed as the mascot.
Manassas Park police responded to a report of a loose sheep on Nancy Street and detained the animal after what the department described as a brief food pursuit that led into someone's backyard. No charges were filed, though police said they suspect a few outstanding baaa-violations.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Doctor's Office Sends Helpful Appointment Reminder Via Email, Phone, Text, Certified Letter, Telegram, Carrier Pigeon, And Smoke Signal' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/doctors-office-sends-helpful-appointment-reminder-via-email-phone-text-certified-letter-telegram-carrier-pigeon-and-smoke-signal/
'Man delighted government has protected £20,000 ISA allowance he was only £19,983 short of using' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/10/29/man-delighted-government-has-protected-20000-isa-allowance-he-was-only-19983-short-of-using/
'Local Guy Still Stoked From Using Liminal In Conversation Two Weeks Ago' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/culture/local-guy-still-stoked-from-using-liminal-in-conversation-two-weeks-ago/
'People Does Single Buddy A Solid By Naming Him Sexiest Man Alive' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/people-does-single-buddy-a-solid-by-naming-him-sexiest-man-alive/
A nor'easter washed an unidentified cylinder onto a Flagler County beach, prompting Flagler County Fire Rescue to call in the St. Johns County hazardous materials team. The object was secured and handed to the Florida Department of Environmental Protection, and no agency has offered any theory as to what it is.
#7The Groaner
I asked the librarian if they had any books about paranoia. She leaned in and whispered, "They're right behind you."
