#1The Monologue
The Cheesecake Factory reported record quarterly revenue this week, topping a billion dollars for the second straight quarter, just days after former President Obama compared the renovated White House to the chain. Which means the restaurant's entire marketing department has been outperformed — by an insult.
Re: Fortune — Obama mocked Trump's gold White House as a Cheesecake Factory. The chain just posted a record quarter
The FAA has issued its first-ever authorization for an electric air taxi to carry passengers, clearing Beta Technologies to fly people between Plattsburgh, New York and Burlington, Vermont. America has finally built the flying car — and the first place we're taking it is... Vermont.
Re: Smart Cities Dive — FAA issues first eVTOL passenger-carrying flight authorization
A three-year-old in Winter Park, Florida was ejected from his youth soccer league after parents complained he was too good, and a former U.S. national team player has now offered to train him. He's three. He has a scouting report, a league ban, and a professional mentor — and he still can't reliably work a juice box.
Re: WSVN 7News — 3-year-old soccer prodigy set to train with former USMNT player after being kicked from league for playing too good
Dozens of demonstrators gathered outside Liberty Mutual's Boston headquarters on Sunday demanding the company retire "Liberty Biberty," a fuzzy yellow puppet head roughly the size of a volleyball. The protest was organized by a nineteen-year-old New Hampshire YouTuber, and a lone counter-protester showed up dressed as the puppet.
Ariel Fischman, who holds the Guinness World Record for the largest collection of physical spreadsheet software, announced his collection has now surpassed one thousand distinct programs, up from the 506 that won him the title in 2018. He told Guinness that everyone loves spreadsheets, they simply haven't stopped to think about it.
Lancashire Police received a call at 3:43 in the afternoon reporting an emu running loose along Ashton Road near Lancaster Golf Club. The bird disrupted traffic for thirty-three minutes before being safely recovered at 4:16.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
"Authorities Wait To Release Details Of Hiker's Death Until They Learn Correct Collective Noun For Emus" — The Onion, https://theonion.com/authorities-wait-to-release-details-of-hikers-death-until-they-learn-correct-collective-noun-for-emus/
"Doctor's Office Sends Helpful Appointment Reminder Via Email, Phone, Text, Certified Letter, Telegram, Carrier Pigeon, And Smoke Signal" — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/doctors-office-sends-helpful-appointment-reminder-via-email-phone-text-certified-letter-telegram-carrier-pigeon-and-smoke-signal
"Reform Orders 500 Mannequins As Seat Fillers For Nigel Farage's Next Speech" — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/10/28/reform-orders-500-mannequins-as-seat-fillers-for-nigel-farages-next-speech/
"Aging Goth Couple Barely Scare Each Other Anymore" — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/music/goth/aging-goth-couple-barely-scare-each-other-anymore/
The Alameda Police Department got a call about a raccoon stranded on top of an aircraft hangar near Alameda Point, where it had apparently been stuck overnight. Public Works brought in a lift so Animal Control Officer Emily Crum could ride to the roof, snare the raccoon, and bring it back down.
#7The Groaner
I tried to catch some fog this morning. Mist.
