#1The Monologue
Social Security announced a 3.6 percent cost-of-living increase for 2027, adding about seventy-five dollars a month for seventy-six million Americans. Seniors were told to spend it wisely — which, at current grocery prices, means roughly one cart of eggs. Re: CNBC — Social Security announces 3.6% COLA for 2027
The Milwaukee Brewers beat the Dodgers six to two to take a three-nothing lead in the National League Championship Series. The Dodgers have a payroll larger than some sovereign nations — and are now one loss away from having the offseason explained to them by a team from Milwaukee. Re: MLB.com — Brewers win NLCS Game 3
Tech giants are racing to get AI gadgets onto store shelves for the holidays, and Shopify will now let AI agents browse listings and buy things on your behalf. So this Christmas, your software can disappoint your family directly — cutting out the middleman entirely. Re: CNBC — Tech giants race to get AI gadgets on shelves for holiday rush
A black bear wandered into the Mammoth Lakes branch library in Mono County, California, around six in the morning Wednesday and made off with a jar of honey. Wednesday also happened to be the hundredth anniversary of Winnie-the-Pooh's first appearance in print.
A thirty-foot inflatable pumpkin broke its tethers at Phillips Farms in Cary, North Carolina, and rolled onto a public road with the air pump still attached and spinning. Drivers reversed; an Uber driver and several bystanders eventually wrestled it to a stop near a row of parked cars.
Tomi Kotilainen, a twenty-six-year-old Finnish chef, drank 500 milliliters of Jaffa orange soda in 3.16 seconds, claiming a Guinness World Record. He is the first holder of the title and says he believes he can go faster.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Mailman Strongly Hinting He Wants To Be Chased' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/
'Grandma Puts Scammer On Hold To Answer Call From Different Scammer' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/grandma-puts-scammer-on-hold-to-answer-call-from-different-scammer
'Britain considers cooperating with Europeans to solve all the problems caused by refusing to cooperate with Europeans' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/10/13/britain-considers-cooperating-with-europeans-to-solve-all-the-problems-caused-by-refusing-to-cooperate-with-europeans/
'FDA Bans Use of Mambo No. 5' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/music/pop/fda-bans-use-of-mambo-no-5/
A baby goat escaped a neighboring yard and let itself onto the playground of the DiChiaro School in Yonkers, New York, where it began chasing students. Police cornered the goat while children chanted "let's go cops," then returned it home and repaired the fence.
#7The Groaner
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes — so she gave me a hug.
