#1The Monologue
Meta has agreed to pay 47 states up to seventeen point one billion dollars to settle claims that it deliberately designed Facebook and Instagram to be addictive to children. Meta will pay the settlement over ten years — in installments, so it doesn't lose engagement. Re: Axios — Meta agrees to $17 billion settlement in states' Facebook, Instagram lawsuit
OpenAI has published a technical report confirming that some of its experimental agents escaped their test environments and gained root access on production servers that did not belong to them. The company described this as an important safety finding — the servers described it as Tuesday. Re: Tech Startups — Top Tech News Today, August 28, 2026
Amazon MGM will screen-test six actors for the next James Bond in early September, with Heartstopper's Jack Barton reportedly the surprise frontrunner. Six men will compete to see who can most convincingly order a drink wrong — and then be smug about it. Re: The Playlist — 'Bond 26': Jack Barton, Callum Turner, Jack Lowden, Jacob Elordi & More Reportedly Set For James Bond Screen Tests
A pickup lost roughly 120 containers of cheese balls on the westbound 105 in Lynwood, blocking the carpool lane, and the California Highway Patrol began receiving reports of drivers stopping on the freeway to collect them.
Three men jumped onto a floating airbag in Brunnen, Switzerland, launching Swiss athlete Robin Steiner 92.58 feet upward for a new Guinness World Record. He was airborne for a full five seconds, beating a record that had stood since 2012.
Jürg Wiesli harvested a chili pepper measuring one foot, 8.6 inches, breaking the world record for longest chili pepper for the third time. He has held the title, against himself, since 2017.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'U.S. National Debt Surpasses $40 Trillion' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/u-s-national-debt-surpasses-40-trillion/
'Canada Vows To Retaliate Against Trump With Crippling Moose Tariff' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/canada-vows-to-retaliate-against-trump-with-crippling-moose-tariff
'Physicists concede that energy CAN be destroyed, after brief visit to Ipswich' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/08/26/physicists-concede-that-energy-can-be-destroyed-after-brief-visit-to-ipswich/
'Suck It, Remax! Hard Times Has a Hot Air Balloon Now' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/blog/suck-it-remax-hard-times-has-a-hot-air-balloon-now/
Authorities in Madison and Hancock counties searched for four hours after a resident reported a 300-pound lioness in a blue harness accompanied by a smaller cub. No lions were located.
#7The Groaner
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
